Movie Review - 'Alexander'

Went into the cinema with rather high expectations on the movie after watching 'Troy' earlier this year, which by the way was just superb, and came out cursing like a pirate for this has got to be the shittiest movie I've watched this year (if you don't count Japanese/Korean horror flicks)! The first words I uttered when the show ended was, "What the fuck?!"

I mean, there's nothing great about the whole show. None. Zilch. Na-da. In fact, the whole movie is one bloody gay fest! And I wasted 10 bucks on that? Man, I can never forgive myself. I think I need to fry my brains out after this to completely and utterly wipe out any memory of having watch the show.

"I'm SO gay, gay IS me"

I have nothing against gays but I thought it was queer (pun intended) when I saw that Colin Farrell is taking the lead. I doubt he can pull it through and I was right. I bet he gets lots of fan mails from gays nowadays and lots more hate mails from the faggot-haters. And to think that he might be the next in line to play James Bond? Has the world gone blind?

"Can someone take my other eye out?"

To all parents out there, never ever bring your young son to watch this movie. He might just grow up thinking that dressing like a woman, having male lovers, wearing mascara and tacky gold jewellery are just about the coolest things a guy could ever do. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Lastly, can someone please tell pervy Collie he looks ugly with blonde hair?

Of Silent Ts and Noisy Ys

Either some people are just plain dumb and can't pronounce words properly or their teachers did a very bad job at teaching them the basics.

I go around hearing people pronounce 'Streamyx' as 'steem-X' when it really should be 'streem-iks'. What happened to the 'Y' in 'Streamyx'? Did you swallowed it? Come on, spit it out dude! I hear 'Y's are not good for digestion. No wonder you constantly look constipated. I hope you start shitting corks soon.

Now what's the deal with pronouncing 'Chevrolet' as 'shair-vro-LET'? The 'T' here is silent along with those in 'bouquet' and 'croquet'. It's 'chev-vro-lay' you dumbass! If you don't even know that then spare the world the pain by calling it 'Chevy'. Oh by the way, that's pronounced as 'chev-vee'.

I bet these are the very same people who drive their ShairvroleT-mobile to shop in 'kair-fawr' and 'kaar-fawr' and God forbid 'carry-4' when they really should be in 'Carrefour' as in 'kaar-foo'. For the uninitiated, 'Carrefour' actually comes from French.

More than one of their daughters who wait on tables have insisted that escargot as in 'es-kaar-go' is not in the menu and that I change my order to 'es-kar-GOT'. Excuse miss, I think the S car had gone and you should go with it. 'S' for sucker!

Now, I can list down many other mispronounced words but I won't. Many here may argue that who cares whether the pronounciation is right or wrong as long as people understand what they are trying to say. I say I'd give you that provided that they are gracious enough to accept it when corrected and not try to drag me down to their dark-slimy-mispronouncing-city.

Ugliest Automobile Award 2004

The Bad Ass Chick's Ugliest Automobile Award 2004 goes to ... *drum rolling* ... PROTON JUARA!!! (Juara means 'champion' in English. Yea, champion in the ugly department alright.)

The first time I saw the Juara on the road, I nearly keeled over from hysterical laughter at how good-taste-challenged the designers at Proton have come to be and how they can let a giant matchstick box out loose on the road like that?!! A million cigarettes and other flameable things are cowering in fear as I type.

Many things have been said about the Juara. Some says it looks like a modern funeral van while some says it looks like the WW2's German medical truck. It still looks like a giant matchstick box to me but one thing's for certain, everyone from the pimply, blonde-haired teenage VCD seller boy to the pot-bellied, peg-legged, speech-impaired, gap-toothed, one-eyed, misguided pirate wannabe agrees that it's the shittiest automobile they are unfortunate enough to ever lay eyes on.

The Ugliest Automobile Ever

Just look at that piece of junk. Just look at it. Ok, stop. That's enough. This blogger WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE if your eyeballs should decide to spontaneously combust while you are looking which makes me wonder whatever possessed the buyers to burn their money on that pile of scrap metal? It's not even cheap! I can think of many other less ugly but more satisfying ways to spend RM50K on such as hiring a few 'retrenched' VCD sellers to rearrange the faces of any dipshits who piss me off. Guess they must have had their heads so far up their asses that the Juara began to look like the Lamborghini and Sammy Vellu's hair piece began to look like real hair. Guess when it's dark and stinky, anything goes.

I wonder how many avoidable accidents the vehicle had caused from having other drivers gouging their eyes out each time this shit-mobile enters their view perimeters.

Spook My Ass

The recent release of the movie 'The Grudge' brought back painful memories of how thoroughly boring but unbelievably funny Japanese and Korean horror movies can be.

I remember my first excrutiating brush with the Japanese underworld from the movie 'Dark Water'. A friend and I had met up after work and chose the huge and mostly empty Rex cinema right smack in the heart of Kuala Lumpur, next to Petaling Street to get spooked. Gonna be spookier there or so we thought. As it turned out, we were two out of about less than a dozen people in the cinema that night. Not 10 minutes into the show and I turned to my friend and asked him whether we're watching a horror movie or a Japanese soap opera. We almost fell asleep in the cinema. The only bright moment was a particular scene where the little girl ghost knocked from inside the water tank. I think the gangsters manning the myriad stalls in Petaling Street are actually more scary, especially the way they try to rip you off. Deadly, I tell you!

Next, I place my bet on 'The Ring'. A few friends and I were staying overnight in the Heritage Hotel at Cameron Highlands and we thought it'd be nice to get spooked after a few drinks in that little chilly holiday spot. All of us piled into bed with all the lights off, some hiding under the blanket from the numbing cold, some from the anticipation of a good scare. I was kind of skeptical after the above-mentioned movie but watched anyway. One by one my friends started dozing off and I was the only one sitting there drumming my fingers on the bed, getting impatient. Where's the ghost? I nearly go mad with laughter when I saw the damn thing crawling out from inside the television screen in the movie! Talk about being lame!

That was the last I had to endure until a new colleague from another department cornered me and pressed 'Ju-on' into my hands and made me promise him I'd watched it. Okay, that was a bit weird since we hardly exchanged 10 words since he joined the company but what the heck I thought. I'd give it the benefit of the doubt. Boy, what a mistake! The crawling ghost down the stairs was the single most hysterical scene I've even seen in a horror movie! Hahahahahahahaha! I'm laughing now as I recalled the scene in my mind. Tears are coming out of my eyes as I type! Oh no, I'm gasping for breath over here, someone stop making FUNNY horror movies, please!!!

Enough is enough, I'd never watch another Japanese horror movie again, ever! Wait, maybe I will, just to laugh my head off! Hmmm, I wonder whether the recent Korean and Thai horror flicks are any better?