Thursday, December 30, 2004

Tsunami Disaster

When I first heard the news about the tragedy on Monday morning, tears welled up in my eyes as what happened when I first heard the news of 911 on the radio in the year 2001. Over the next few days, my heart sank as the death toll rises. My holiday mood is dampened each time the figure climbs. The Grim Reaper has been keeping himself busy.

It is not suprising to hear people from all walks of life talking about it in office, restaurants, pubs, schools, cafes and what-have-yous. Therefore, when the topic came up during my lunch break today, I was seeing red when I heard this most insensitive comment on the matter from a numbskull, "People died. So what?". He isn't joking either.

My immediate reaction was to put down my chopsticks, give him the famous Scorpion death stare and as calmly as I can, said, "Well, that's easy for you to say!!! None of your loved ones are involved in the tragedy!!! If your family and friends are now dead or lying with some serious injuries in the hospital beds from the tsunami tragedy then you wouldn't be saying 'So what?' anymore!!!"

The air was still as I waited for a response. Silence. My boyfriend sensing the tension in the air rubbed my arm and tried to diffuse the situation with some kind words. Now what irks me about people like the useless sack of wine I call a colleague is that they simply shoots off without thinking. Their little, tiny, itsy-bitsy grey matter tells them that making such remarks makes them appear detached and cool about the whole situation. Well, I got news for you mister, it just slammed a big L on your forehead.

Same goes for the other puny-brained masses who blindly forward emails with pictures and video recordings of the tragedy. Instead of wasting bandwidth and time, why don't you maggots make good use of those fingers and clicked some money into the disaster funds set up all over the world now? For those of you in Malaysia, you can help through various means. Divert your attention here from the porn and stupid jokes in your inbox for a while to help when it really matters.

I know I've done my part. Have you?

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Weirdness is a Disease

Is it just me or is the world filled with weirdos lurking in every little nook and corner? To further prove my point that weirdness is very much alive and kicking this part of town, I've compile a little list of the strange encounters I've had lately.

Wednesday, 15th December 2004, 8:35pm
Sitting down and enjoying my dinner, a Chinese family with the mom and dad and their 4 little princesses was shown to the table next to mine. Imagine my suprise when one of the little girls propped down right next to me and and clinged on for dear life. Being in a good mood then, I patted her head and nodded and smiled to the embarassed parents. But then throughout the dinner, the little girl asked me stuff about my handbag, my cutleries, etc. She even tried pinching me a few times but was unsuccessful! The mom eventually had to switch places with her so that I can have my dinner in peace. Little Ms High-Strung found her next victim in the couple seated on her other side of the table. Well, at least it's not me anymore.

Saturday, 18th of December 2004, 5:50pm
Returning from the beach after a fun dip in the sea, I was trying to shower off the sand on my feet when horrors greeted me in the form of a Malay woman dressed in a 'baju kurung' under the said shower happily washing a pair of pink-colored underwear. Yucks yucks yucks!!! To top it off, several bystanders were grinning away upon seeing the disgusted look I had on my face. Ignorant sick village bastards!

Monday, 20th December 2004, 12:55pm
Going up the escalator in a hypermarket, I saw a Malay woman with a small kid up ahead of me. Suddenly she just threw down a pair of shoes to the floor below. However, she and the kid still had their shoes on. Strange, but true.

Tuesday, 21st December 2004, 1:20pm
Heard from my friends that an imbecilic couple whom I had the misfortune of knowing in the past are asking them to join in for a Japanase-style dinner for Christmas this year. One isn't going for he still wants his turkey while another just giggled herself silly. Now who died and made Santa a Jap? Rudolpo eato sushi???

So, question is, are you infected?

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Man Boobs and Protuding Nipples

In one of the Seinfeld episodes, The Doorman, George and Kramer were horrified to discover that George's father had man boobs :

GEORGE : My father opened his shirt...

JERRY: Yeah, and?

GEORGE: Tell him, Kramer.

KRAMER: He had breasts.

JERRY: What d'you mean, breasts?

GEORGE: Big breasts!

JERRY: So what? A lot of older men have that.

KRAMER: No, not these. These were real hooters.

GEORGE: I was throwing up all night. It was like my own personal Crying Game.

I didn't think much of it until a few weeks earlier, I saw a guy with not big jugs but extreme, protuding nipples! It was poking out shamelessly from his chest to his T-shirt and landed on my line of sight nearly blinding me. Holy cow! The two mini-towers must have been at approximately 1cm long each! Pornstars around the world are shamed by this discovery. Tsk tsk tsk.

His friends and him were seated right next to my table and he was parading his tits around the whole night. I checked the temperature and decided that it wasn't that cold in the deli that night to make them stand so upright. I bet one can even hang a picture frame on them, quite securely too I might add.

So perhaps Kramer's invention called 'The Bro' or 'The Manssiere' in the episode is mandatory for these men to keep their uhm, assets, safe from public viewing and help hapless souls like me and George keep their food down longer.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

The 'Old' Hello Kitty Invasion

Is pink the new black?

I was having lunch inside this restaurant when I caught sight of someone wearing a cheerful-bumble-gum-pink baby tee with bold "I LOVE PINK" letters in print. She was also wearing pink lipstick and carrying a bright pink bag with matching pink color shoes to boot. Now you'd be forgiven if you picture a sweet, albeit brainwashed-by-Mattel little girl but this Hello Kitty species was a middle-aged cat with a perpetual scowl in need of a tummy tuck.

Feeling nauseous, I left the restaurant not long after that for a bit of fresh air and stopped for a drink inside another eatery with my friends later that same day only to find another woman in pink. This lollipop was even wrapped in pink. She had a pink shawl around her pink dress in a shopping mall. Is pink prescribed for menopausal women or what?

I think pink is a sweet color on little girls and maybe even young women but grandmothers dressing up like Barbie dolls from their greying head of hairs to their wrinkly toes just won't do. It's scary shit. You girls need to learn not to shop where your grandchildren does. Pretty in pink only applies when you are still receiving Hello Kitty toys and not when you are giving them away.

Go home ladies, change your outfit before Kent sues you for aging his beloved Barbie.

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Movie Review - 'Alexander'

Went into the cinema with rather high expectations on the movie after watching 'Troy' earlier this year, which by the way was just superb, and came out cursing like a pirate for this has got to be the shittiest movie I've watched this year (if you don't count Japanese/Korean horror flicks)! The first words I uttered when the show ended was, "What the fuck?!"

I mean, there's nothing great about the whole show. None. Zilch. Na-da. In fact, the whole movie is one bloody gay fest! And I wasted 10 bucks on that? Man, I can never forgive myself. I think I need to fry my brains out after this to completely and utterly wipe out any memory of having watch the show.

"I'm SO gay, gay IS me"

I have nothing against gays but I thought it was queer (pun intended) when I saw that Colin Farrell is taking the lead. I doubt he can pull it through and I was right. I bet he gets lots of fan mails from gays nowadays and lots more hate mails from the faggot-haters. And to think that he might be the next in line to play James Bond? Has the world gone blind?

"Can someone take my other eye out?"

To all parents out there, never ever bring your young son to watch this movie. He might just grow up thinking that dressing like a woman, having male lovers, wearing mascara and tacky gold jewellery are just about the coolest things a guy could ever do. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Lastly, can someone please tell pervy Collie he looks ugly with blonde hair?

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Of Silent Ts and Noisy Ys

Either some people are just plain dumb and can't pronounce words properly or their teachers did a very bad job at teaching them the basics.

I go around hearing people pronounce 'Streamyx' as 'steem-X' when it really should be 'streem-iks'. What happened to the 'Y' in 'Streamyx'? Did you swallowed it? Come on, spit it out dude! I hear 'Y's are not good for digestion. No wonder you constantly look constipated. I hope you start shitting corks soon.

Now what's the deal with pronouncing 'Chevrolet' as 'shair-vro-LET'? The 'T' here is silent along with those in 'bouquet' and 'croquet'. It's 'chev-vro-lay' you dumbass! If you don't even know that then spare the world the pain by calling it 'Chevy'. Oh by the way, that's pronounced as 'chev-vee'.

I bet these are the very same people who drive their ShairvroleT-mobile to shop in 'kair-fawr' and 'kaar-fawr' and God forbid 'carry-4' when they really should be in 'Carrefour' as in 'kaar-foo'. For the uninitiated, 'Carrefour' actually comes from French.

More than one of their daughters who wait on tables have insisted that escargot as in 'es-kaar-go' is not in the menu and that I change my order to 'es-kar-GOT'. Excuse miss, I think the S car had gone and you should go with it. 'S' for sucker!

Now, I can list down many other mispronounced words but I won't. Many here may argue that who cares whether the pronounciation is right or wrong as long as people understand what they are trying to say. I say I'd give you that provided that they are gracious enough to accept it when corrected and not try to drag me down to their dark-slimy-mispronouncing-city.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

Ugliest Automobile Award 2004

The Bad Ass Chick's Ugliest Automobile Award 2004 goes to ... *drum rolling* ... PROTON JUARA!!! (Juara means 'champion' in English. Yea, champion in the ugly department alright.)

The first time I saw the Juara on the road, I nearly keeled over from hysterical laughter at how good-taste-challenged the designers at Proton have come to be and how they can let a giant matchstick box out loose on the road like that?!! A million cigarettes and other flameable things are cowering in fear as I type.

Many things have been said about the Juara. Some says it looks like a modern funeral van while some says it looks like the WW2's German medical truck. It still looks like a giant matchstick box to me but one thing's for certain, everyone from the pimply, blonde-haired teenage VCD seller boy to the pot-bellied, peg-legged, speech-impaired, gap-toothed, one-eyed, misguided pirate wannabe agrees that it's the shittiest automobile they are unfortunate enough to ever lay eyes on.

The Ugliest Automobile Ever

Just look at that piece of junk. Just look at it. Ok, stop. That's enough. This blogger WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE if your eyeballs should decide to spontaneously combust while you are looking which makes me wonder whatever possessed the buyers to burn their money on that pile of scrap metal? It's not even cheap! I can think of many other less ugly but more satisfying ways to spend RM50K on such as hiring a few 'retrenched' VCD sellers to rearrange the faces of any dipshits who piss me off. Guess they must have had their heads so far up their asses that the Juara began to look like the Lamborghini and Sammy Vellu's hair piece began to look like real hair. Guess when it's dark and stinky, anything goes.

I wonder how many avoidable accidents the vehicle had caused from having other drivers gouging their eyes out each time this shit-mobile enters their view perimeters.

Monday, November 08, 2004

Spook My Ass

The recent release of the movie 'The Grudge' brought back painful memories of how thoroughly boring but unbelievably funny Japanese and Korean horror movies can be.

I remember my first excrutiating brush with the Japanese underworld from the movie 'Dark Water'. A friend and I had met up after work and chose the huge and mostly empty Rex cinema right smack in the heart of Kuala Lumpur, next to Petaling Street to get spooked. Gonna be spookier there or so we thought. As it turned out, we were two out of about less than a dozen people in the cinema that night. Not 10 minutes into the show and I turned to my friend and asked him whether we're watching a horror movie or a Japanese soap opera. We almost fell asleep in the cinema. The only bright moment was a particular scene where the little girl ghost knocked from inside the water tank. I think the gangsters manning the myriad stalls in Petaling Street are actually more scary, especially the way they try to rip you off. Deadly, I tell you!

Next, I place my bet on 'The Ring'. A few friends and I were staying overnight in the Heritage Hotel at Cameron Highlands and we thought it'd be nice to get spooked after a few drinks in that little chilly holiday spot. All of us piled into bed with all the lights off, some hiding under the blanket from the numbing cold, some from the anticipation of a good scare. I was kind of skeptical after the above-mentioned movie but watched anyway. One by one my friends started dozing off and I was the only one sitting there drumming my fingers on the bed, getting impatient. Where's the ghost? I nearly go mad with laughter when I saw the damn thing crawling out from inside the television screen in the movie! Talk about being lame!

That was the last I had to endure until a new colleague from another department cornered me and pressed 'Ju-on' into my hands and made me promise him I'd watched it. Okay, that was a bit weird since we hardly exchanged 10 words since he joined the company but what the heck I thought. I'd give it the benefit of the doubt. Boy, what a mistake! The crawling ghost down the stairs was the single most hysterical scene I've even seen in a horror movie! Hahahahahahahaha! I'm laughing now as I recalled the scene in my mind. Tears are coming out of my eyes as I type! Oh no, I'm gasping for breath over here, someone stop making FUNNY horror movies, please!!!

Enough is enough, I'd never watch another Japanese horror movie again, ever! Wait, maybe I will, just to laugh my head off! Hmmm, I wonder whether the recent Korean and Thai horror flicks are any better?

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

My First Major Automobile Accident

Date :: Friday, 15th October 2004

Time :: 8:15AM
Venue :: Silk Highway, Kajang

I was cruising along at about 120km/h on a straight stretch of road on the fastlane when all of a sudden my steering wheel turned to the left on its own in my very hands. It was very freaky! Almost like someone else driving the car for me! I tried to brake but it was too late to avoid a collision with a Toyota Camry in the middle lane. Sorry buddy. Just wasn't your day, or mine either for that matter. *sniggers*

I tried to slow down after the collision and move the steering wheel back to the original position but it was just totally out of control. My car swerved left and right on the highway bumping me along in it until it actually flipped over on its right side. Luckily for me, it flipped back and managed to stop in time when I pulled the handbrake else I'd be one with the wall divider now. Sounds just like the car chase scenes in the movies ya? Go me!

I was stunned when the accident happened and I couldn't get out from the car as the door was jammed. I was just sitting there calmly calling for help though my hands were shaking. A police patrol car happened to be behind the Camry and they saw the whole thing. One of the man in blue had to help me out by yanking the door free. What a rollercoaster ride to start off the weekend...

Time :: 10:00AM
Venue :: Kajang Police Station

Finished lodging my police report and was about to rattled on about what happened earlier for the hundreth time that day to the police sergeant when all of a sudden I was blown away with "Do you have a boyfriend?" from the guy from my insurance company's panel workshop who had followed me to the station and again with "Are you married?" from the sergeant. My exact retort was, "Does it have anything to do with the accident case whether I have a boyfriend or not or whether I am married? Do I get a compound for it if I'm attached and get away scot free if I am not?". That helped us get down to business.

Time :: 11:00AM
Venue :: Car workshop, Balakong

Bid farewell to my beloved ride which is being towed there and will be there for the next 2-3 weeks or so for a total makeover. Front left and right bumper are goners, oil's leaking out from the gearbox, driver side window and small right side back window are totally smashed with some pieces of them stucked to my legs, right side rear mirror is in powder form while the entire right side of the car is totally scratched from when the car turned on its side earlier.

Time :: 1:00PM
Venue :: Kajang Medical Centre

Sat there in pain looking at 4 big ass fish sucking in pebbles from the bottom of their aquarium and then spitting them out over and over again for an hour while waiting for the doctor to come back from his lunch, probably at the next door 'mamak' stall trying to sound more inteligent than he really is as he tried to make the waiters addressed him as 'loctor' and making sure it's within earshot of every fucking fly buzzing around. If I thought I was going to die or be badly injured while I was being bumped around in the car earlier, I really wish I'd just drop dead then. If it helps, I was already bloodied at some places.

Thursday, October 07, 2004

When It Rains, It Pours

A few months ago, i broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years plus on the night of my very first day at work at a new job which I really like. As if coping with a breakup is not hard enough in a new workplace in a new environment with new workmates, people around me are just bent on pissing me off left, right and center! Grrr!

My new company asked me to open a bank account with this particular bank so they could bank in my salary there and I found out that this bank has service centers in shopping malls which open till night time. Therefore, I trotted off to one of the bank's service center in a mall I pass by on my way home. As luck would have it, the mall's carpark was full to the brim that evening. I had to round the carpark for about a dozen times before I found a spot.

So there I was storming my way into the bank. Got the papers, filled them up and dutifully took to the queue to have my bank account opened up. When it was my turn, the clerk told me that I can't open an account there because I neither work or live in that area. According to them, I have to open the account at a branch nearby my office or my house. It's a new stupid rule, so I noticed.

Nevermind, the following Monday, this hothead headed off to another service center nearby my office only to discover their printer not working. The guy even had the cheek to tell me that the technician had been trying to fix the damn thing since morning. And not just one but both the service center's printers are out meaning they can't open the bank account for me cause they can't print the passbook for me. Just my luck. Super!

Since I was there anyway, I asked the guy to check on the various forms his colleagues at the other service center had me filled up. Here comes the best part. He takes one look at the various papers, turned to his colleague and asked him, 'Hey, have you seen these before?'. He then told me that some of the forms I had filled up earlier was unneccessary and that I have to fill up some 'other' forms! Arrghhh! I nearly self-combust when I heard that. You mean you had me filling up all those useless, needless forms and your fucking bank's service centers don't even practise the same standard forms? Excellent!

As I was driving my car out from the mall's carpark later, I turned into this one way lane and this woman in a continental car was going the wrong way. Pissed off as I was then, I was actually nice enough to reverse to let her through and guess what I got in return? As this stupid Indian bitch passed my car, she stoppped, turned to look at me and showed me 'The Hand'! It's the same signal one gives to say 'poodah' or 'get lost' in Tamil. At that point in time, I totally snapped. The nerve of her! I swear if I wasn't so dumbfounded at how rude she was, I would have dragged her out of her car and shoved a rusty pipe up her stinking arse!!!

I was positively seething with anger then only to discover that I forgot to pay for the parking ticket at the machine and I had to park my car, get down and walk all the way to the machine only to have the machine eat my money! I had to pay 2 bucks for a 1 buck parking ticket. In my rage, I must have kicked and screamed at the machine. I don't even give a damn who might looking at me anymore.

The remainder of the day saw me picking up a call from a friend whom I had not heard from for ages who just had the honor of hearing me spew out profanities into the phone so fast and furious he was rendered speechless as I finally made my way out of the blasted carpark all ready to mow down anyone and anything who dares to slow me down on my way home. I'm surprised I didn't leave behind a trail of dead bodies and mangled cars on the highway that day. It would have been a very sweet consolation.

Last but not least, as the icing on the cake, I discovered that 4 of my bras were stolen and probably the same perverted sick mind also own the hands that deliberately cut my panties and thongs which were left outside the apartment to dry with scissors. Don't you just envy my life?

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

Back in the local dating scene after being single again after what seems like eons, I notice that some Malaysian men are more desperate than a gasping catfish out of the water. Let me highlight to you some of the usual suspects that has been hot on pursue after learning that I'm back in the market (bear in mind that these are just some of the guys who's been asking me out in the space of just one freaking week):

Date No. 1:
Now here's a real piece of work. Met him quite innocently during a party. I was already in a serious relationship then but he was very persistent in his pursuit so much so that he was a fart away from stalking. Tried wooing me in countless ways for the past 2 years but was unsuccessful so naturally he was elated to learn that I was single again lately. This award winning creep showed up unexpectedly outside my apartment at 12 midnight twice, once while wearing a suit! The other time he showed up with porridge in hand. Who the hell eats poriddge at 12 midnight?!!

Date No. 2:
This guy has been a friend for sometime. Sensed that he was interested when we first met but he backed off upon learning that I was with someone. Never kept in touch much after that and now all of a sudden he wants to be my new best friend! Now this is what I call 'crouching-tiger-hidden-dragon' act. These 'buayas' pounced once you are back on the shelf! A month ago they don't even bother to call and say 'Hi' and now they are ever so concerned. How very sincere!

Date No. 3:
Another one who have had his fist up his ass for so long he's beginning to enjoy it. Has a long time girlfriend but kept pestering me for dates. Whatever happen to monogamy?

Date No. 4:
This is a real sweetie pie. In fact, he's a human dinosaur on the verge of extinction. Gentlemanly and chivalrous to a fault. I can't believe a bad ass chick like me can bag such a blue ribbon species. Oh yea, I'm good!! *grins*

Date No. 5:
Another crouching tiger, hidden dragon. Been after me for as long as I can remember and when he failed, he waited at the sideline all these while pretending to be a good 'brother' to me. Wasn't too long after the breakup before he pounced! *sigh* Such predictability bores me really!

Monday, May 31, 2004

The Ugly Malaysians

I've encountered so many the past couple of days I just had to let out some steam:

Case #1:
While waiting in line for my food order, I didn't realize that a girl next to me had already lay claim to a tray in front of us by putting a small cup of chillies on it and I happened to put my chopsticks in the same tray without realizing that as someone was busy talking to me. The next thing I knew she said very rudely, "Miss, lee kor tray hai lei geh meh?!! (Miss, this tray is yours meh?!!)". I apologized and said I didn't realize the tray is hers. She in turn rolled her eyes and folded her arms across her chest. Wah lau eh, she could have just pointed out my mistake without sounding SO rude.

Case #2:
My mom bought a sweater from this shop without realizing there's a small hole somewhere on the back. When she took it back about 20 minutes later and asked whether she can change to a new sweater or another item with the same price, the lady owner just shouted from the back of the shop that it's our mistake that we didn't check the sweater roperly before buying it and we can't change to a new sweater or another item of the same price. Can she do that? She's selling defective items!

Case #3:
My dad stopped his vehicle to let a car make his right turn first before proceeding and instead of showing gratitude, he showed the middle finger to my dad while the gf/wife sat beside him!

Case #4:
My colleague was making a U-turn and out of nowhere this motorcyclist appeared and banged straight into my colleague's car. What I don't get is, while the motorcyclist was apologetic as he was also at fault, some of the passer-bys on that road rolled down their windows, shouted and scolded my friend for the accident as they passed by. It isn't even their problem!

I just don't get it! Why do people behave this way? Malaysia Boleh!!!

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

Wannabes and Show-offs Make Me Sick!

Did you ever notice that lotsa Malaysians are wannabes and show-offs?

Just the other, I was standing in line behind a couple of fat-ass Malay ladies in Midvalley when a female friend of theirs who came late joined them in the queue. I was watching with amusement as they embrace each other in greetings than proceeded to *muakss muakss* each other in the cheeks as seen on tv. Now, I wonder if they do that each time they meet or just when there's a lot of people around watching? What happened to the Moslem way of greeting where they 'bersalam'? However, I did notice that they didn't pull the same *muakss muakss* stunt when a male friend joined them. What a bunch of hypocrites!

Then what about those Indian boys that like to dress up like they're a bunch of African Americans? The Petronas advert sometime ago is spot-on about them. I know of an Indian guy whose name is Anand Sebastian but he'd be embarassed when he's called Anand and insist on the more glamor name of Seb! Puh-lease! If your name is Muthusamy a/l Balasundram then by all means be proud of it and say your name is Muthusamy a/l Balasundram and not Sam or whatever-shit-you-come-up-with-because-you-are-too-embarassed-with-your-birth-given-name! People like these disgust me! Reshmonu is the perfect poster boy for these bunch of posers!

I've also noticed how slightly (almost negligible) above average looking Indian girls act like they're God's gift to the world. They walk with their noses up in the air that is just begging me to give them a piece of my mind. I can find thousands other women who's better looking faster than you can say 'Bitch!'. Maybe only the bird-brained Sebs and Sams above might want to get in their pants but I wouldn't care to look twice at girls like that.

Some Chinese girls didn't fare much better either. I saw one young girl in some weird set-up complete with ponytails and white knee-highs like she just popped out from some Japanese teen magazine along Jalan Imbi recently. Can't you people have more personality rather than just following trends blindly? She looked as out of place as my booted foot up her arse! Oh wait - that would actually look more appropriate because she looked simply ridiculous!

Thursday, January 22, 2004

Secret Diaries of Gullible People III

The Very Secret Diary of Mo Wan Lun: (courtesy of Dafthamsta)

Day 1: Dirt poor, owe Tai Kor Seng money and threatened with gay rape if I don’t pay up soon. Pervy backside-fancier Ah Seng, always pretending to be macho, but we all know he’s gay. Will start cult to fleece unsuspecting victims so I can pay Ah Seng back.

Day 2: Got 20 dumbos to sign up for Green Dragon Cult. I say they’re dumb coz 10 thought that the cult is about mahjong, 3 asked about feng shui and the rest thought they were joining a Dragon boat team. Told them to fuck their way to heaven.

Day 3: Total number of customers: 80. Not bad. State of finances: Good. Can pay Ah Seng back soon. Yayy! Go me!

Day 40: Finally paid Ah Seng off. He was pouting coz he probably can’t shag me in the bum, the pervy backside-fancier. Saw him nancing around with one of the girls just now, talking about how good he looks with blusher. Reluctantly gave him 10% discount card if he ever wants to patronize Green Dragon. As if he’d get it on with a chick.

Day 60: Total number of customers: 100. Go me! Gullible Girls getting edgy… kept asking about when they’re going to heaven. Told them to sleep with more men before they can reach their heavenly quota.

Day 107: Got busted by cops. Stupid cops. Gullible Girls finally agreed when cute cop told them something about seeing St Peter at the local courthouse. Love cute men in uniform, especially when he snapped the cuffs on me.

Thursday, January 22, 2004

Secret Diaries of Gullible People II

The Very Secret Diaries of Cute Butt Cop:

Day 1: Met my new superior today. Pervy old man kept staring at my granite butt.

Day 2: Noticed am the cop with the cutest butt around. Pervy superior so obviously wants to shag me. Will hold out longer.

Day 3: Keep getting hit on by my colleagues left, right and center. Can`t cope.

Day 5: Assigned to work the Green Dragon Cult case. Men can be SO silly. Why wanna shag a girl when they can have guys? Men! Can never understand them.

Day 12: Been tailing Mo Wai-Lun. Had to resist urge to tell him that green is SO not his color and big gold chains and watch looks SO tacky!

Day 20: Green Dragon Cult busted. Girls can be even sillier! Mo Wai-Lun kept on placing handcuffed hands on my lap during the ride back to the police station. Kinda liked it actually.

Day 22: Mo Wai-Lun was sent to prison. So sad to see him leave. Will go see if pervy superior is free tonight.

Thursday, January 22, 2004

Secret Diaries of Gullible People

If some of you haven't noticed already, I'm a big fan of LOTR. The news report below had prompted me to write a Secret Diaries ala LOTR of the gullible people involved.

The Secret Diaries of Gullible Women #1:

Day 1: Bored out of my skull. No purpose in life.

Day 2: Met a very nice guy named Mo Wan-Lun. Runs a cult or something.

Day 3: Joined Green Dragon Temple cult. Met a lot of similar minded souls there. Even got T-shirt that says "Green Dragon Temple". Nice!

Day 4: Told to my way to heaven. Sounds like a good deal to me.

Day 5: Number of men slept with : Eight. Not in heaven.

Day 6: Number of men slept with : Eleven. Still not in heaven. . . .

Day 20: Number of men slept with : Fifteen. Not even close to heaven. . . .

Day 100: Number of men slept with : Twenty. Am losing sight of heaven.

Day 107: Got busted. Cops SO silly!

Thursday, January 22, 2004

Promised Heaven, but Given Hell

This is a news report I copied from the online version of the Malaysian 'The Star' newspaper, dated 16 January 2004.


HONG KONG: A cult here lured women into working as prostitutes by promising them places in heaven if they slept with enough men, a news report said yesterday. Women snared by the cult had to work 12 hours a day having s3x with at least 10 men, according to the South China Morning Post. All their money went to the Green Dragon Temple Cult which promised them a place in heaven once they earned HK$500,000 (RM243,000). The cult told the women it recruited they would become goddesses when the world ended once they had entered heaven, the newspaper said. Police were yesterday hunting the alleged cult leader Mo Wan-lun and five other men after the arrest of three cult members, a woman and two men, on Monday. Five women aged between 20 and 40 working for the cult in brothels in Hong Kong's red light districts were rescued. – dpa


I seriously don't understand how people can be SO gullible! This probably took place during the rescue:

Police Office: *bursting through the door* Don't worry maam, you're in safe hands now.

Gullible Woman#1: *confused look* You're God?

PO: No, maam. I'm a Hong Kong Wong Kar Keng Chak (Police Officer). I'm here to rescue you.

GW: Rescue me? But I'm halfway to heaven! Mo Wan-Lun already 'chup' (reserve) a place for me there.

PO: He is a liar. You can't prostitute your way to heaven! Please follow me to the police car, maam.

GW: No! No! I still wanna go to heaven! *starts sobbing*

PO: *losing patience* Fine! You need to go downstairs with me now. Messengers of God are waiting there.

GW: *beaming* OK!