!$%@$#%$@!

It's bright daylight and you can literally cook an egg on the street outside if you so desire but I'm sitting here with the hairs on my arms standing on ends and shivering. Reason being the perpetual middle-aged uber-bitch is speaking very loudly into the phone with her fake 'ang moh' slang. For someone who's usually so 'pasar', this is really unbearable.

Luckily for Green Day to head bang to even though the sounds of my favourite band isn't enough to drown out the hysterical laugher emanating from the same two-faced whore. How a person of such lowlife personality and integrity is still allowed to pollute the Earth with all her bullshit is totally beyond my comprehension.

She's lucky to have live in the 21st century else I swear to God that I would have given her a 'beautiful death' Spartan-style a long time ago. I would then make sure her decapitated head is hung like a reindeer head in my hall for decoration and her skin stretched out near the fireplace for all to wipe their feet on. No wait, I really can't stand that face. I guess I'll just feed her to the pigs.

Anyway, violent wet dreams of mine aside, she recently brought in a young toy boy of hers to join us. Ugly, pouting, good-for-nothing ass wipe. Makes me puke the way he 'polish' her. Fuckface has no shame. She in turn 'polishes' the other big kahunas. Ugh! Everyone I know wants to open a really big can of whoop-ass on him and the 'girlfriend'. My violent level is really hitting an all-time high whenever they are in the vicinity.

God, help me please before I turn psycho. Amen!

A Management Story

I'm angry, really freaking pissed off here. Why? Let me tell you why! I'm just about to inherit ALL the work from yet another colleague who's leaving the company by middle of this month. This is the 3rd colleague whose work had been passed to me prior to them leaving the company! So in addition to my own work, I will be doing the work of 4 persons soon with the puny salary of 1!!!

One of them is even a holding a manager level position while I'm just a lowly-paid minion but I get to inherit his work as well. Great! I can't even take half a day off without my office mailbox exploding. What the hell is wrong with you people! I'd tell you what's wrong. It's the stupid management I'm working for. Actually it's just one person, someone who shall here forth be known only as Fugly.

I've introduced Fugly without a name previously in the posting "Lord, help me please!" and more recently in "http://schweeney.blogspot.com/2007/03/blog-post.html". In case you are wondering, Fugly stands for Fucking Ugly. Now for the rest of you who also happens to have the misfortune of reporting to a person who is as full of shit as Fugly, I can only offer you this humourous piece of insight I received off the net. Read on and have a laugh. Stress kills, I know. How sad.

Story # 1

It's a fine sunny day in the forest and a lion is sitting outside his cave, lying lazily in the sun. Along comes a fox, out on a walk.

Fox: "Do you know the time, because my watch is broken"

Lion: "Oh, I can easily fix the watch for you"

Fox: "Hmm... But it's a very complicated mechanism, and your big claws will only destroy it even more"

Lion: "Oh no, give it to me, and it will be fixed"

Fox: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that lazy lions with great claws cannot fix complicated watches"

Lion: "Sure they do, give it to me and it will be fixed"

The lion disappears into his cave, and after a while he comes back with the watch which is running perfectly. The fox is impressed, and the lion continues to lie lazily in the sun, looking very pleased with himself.

Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the lazy lion in the sun.

Wolf: "Can I come and watch TV tonight with you, because mine is broken"

Lion: "Oh, I can easily fix your TV for you"Wolf: "You don't expect me to believe such rubbish, do you? There is no way that a lazy lion with big claws can fix a complicated TV“

Lion: "No problem. Do you want to try it?"

The lion goes into his cave, and after a while comes back with a perfectly fixed TV. The wolf goes away happily and amazed.

Scene : Inside the lion's cave. In one corner are half a dozen small and intelligent looking rabbits who are busily doing very complicated work with very detailed instruments. In the other corner lies a huge lion looking very pleased with himself.

Moral : IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY A MANAGER IS FAMOUS; LOOK AT THE WORK OF HIS SUBORDINATES.

Management Lesson

In the context of the working world

IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY SOMEONE UNDESERVED IS PROMOTED; LOOK AT THE WORK OF HIS SUBORDINATES.

Story # 2

It's a fine sunny day in the forest and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter. Along comes a fox, out for a walk.

Fox: "What are you working on?"
Rabbit: "My thesis."
Fox: "Hmm... What is it about?"
Rabbit: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes."

Fox: "That's ridiculous ! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes!"

Rabbit: "Come with me and I'll show you!"

They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After few minutes, gnawing on a fox bone, the rabbit returns to his typewriter and resumes typing.

Soon a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking rabbit.

Wolf: "What's that you are writing?"
Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves."

Wolf: "you don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?"

Rabbit: "No problem. Do you want to see why?"

The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow and again the rabbit returns by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing.

Finally a bear comes along and asks, "What are you doing?

Rabbit: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat bears."

Bear: "Well that's absurd ! "

Rabbit: "Come into my home and I'll show you"

Scene : As they enter the burrow, the rabbit introduces the bear to the lion.

Moral : IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW SILLY YOUR THESIS TOPIC IS; WHAT MATTERS IS WHOM YOU HAVE AS A SUPERVISOR.

Management Lesson
In the context of the working world:
IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW BAD YOUR PERFORMANCE IS; WHAT MATTERS IS WHETHER YOUR BOSS LIKES YOU OR NOT.

Introducing Fugly's Namesake

When was the last time you saw something that looked like someone you absolutely despise? Maybe from the toad at Feng Shui World that bears an uncanny resemblance to a nosy neighbor or how your boss looks more and more like a camel everytime you roll your eyes at yet another unoriginal shit to spew forth from the smelly little hole he calls a mouth. Well, as some of my colleagues were asked to change cubicles sometime last month, we found this freaking ugly ball of rubber. It looked kinda slimy and was dirty from all the dust clinging on its rubbery body. Then someone had the bright idea to throw it on the wall and lo and behold, it actually had the ability to stick to the walls! This gross lil piggy ball actually found its niche. It's a good stress reliever of sorts. Till today we dunno who owns the blardy thing but we have been having fun abusing it. We have even christened it Fugly.

What do you have in your office?

Happy Birthday, Stranger

I have been to many birthday parties in my life but never have I been to one so ridiculous I thought my eyes were gonna fall off from their sockets from rolling them too much.

You see, yesterday afternoon, the maggot of a person whom I have always referred to as Fugly in my blog storms into our department and started hauling all the staff into the meeting room. Everyone was looking puzzled. Some thought there’s gonna be a meeting or a briefing. Yours truly was just on the way to the pantry to get a glass of water but was shepherded into the meeting room as well.

Imagine our surprise to find a cake on the long table and a stranger in our midst. Oh, we figured she was a staff as well but from another floor, another department. 90% of us didn’t have a clue who she is or what’s her name. Moments later, Fugly led the way as she made everyone sing the Birthday song. Mind you, we still dunno who the cake is for at that moment.

“Happy Birthday to you”
“Happy Birthday to you”
“Happy Birthday to .......“

At this point in time, the voices kinda faltered as we raised our eyebrows at each other. What a joke! Singing birthday song to someone we dun even know. I hope our clapping drowned out the blank in our singings. I heard some people blurted out the name but was too fast for me to catch it.

“Happy Birthday to you!!!”, we sang as we ended the song. Then as the haze of confusion was lifted from the room, What’s-Her-Name in out midst went forward and blow out the candle. She was smiling and thanking us. Then as usual, annoying Fugly was laughing her fake irritating laugh as she made one of us cut the cake for the birthday girl or middle-aged aunty if you want to get down to specifics. I still couldn’t get over the absurdity of the situation as I grudgingly ate the piece of cake that was handed to me. The birthday aunty didn’t appear to migle with any of us except Fugly, who is another middle-aged aunty herself (only a lot uglier) so I assumed Fugly must have set this all up by herself. No, they are not relations.

Now, I don’t understand why anyone would ever want to celebrate their birthday with a bunch of strangers. Even if I did, I don’t think my face is that thick to even go near the cake. Everyone was complaining once the party was over. We had to give credit to Fugly, she had surpassed herself again in terms of how much more she can do to make us hate her.

Luckily she didn’t make us chip in for the cake else she would have really overdone it.

Colleague from Hell

Example 1

Scene : Inside the car on the way to the doctor as I was having gastric pain halfway through work
Present : Me and hubby

Handphone rings and a familiar, groan-inducing, eye-rolling number flashed on the screen.

Me : (grimacing with pain and sounding weak) Hello.

Wanker : We need to talk about ABC. I need a timeline.

Me : As you already know (through numerous emails), the project had been handed to XYZ, please liaise with him.

Wanker : I really need to know when the project can be completed.

Me : Look I really can't give you the timeline for someone else's project. Besides I am on MC today. Can you please call XYZ?

Wanker : Can you just give me a date.

Me : You really have to speak to the person in charge for this.

Wanker : How about a tentative date?

Repeat above conversation x 10 times over the next 10 minutes with a good deal of eye-rolling.

Wanker just can’t seem to understand English.


Example 2

Scene : Meeting Room
Present : All members from my section

Suddenly, there was a knocking on the door and who else do you see but the most annoying, thick-faced, cant-take-no-for-an-answer colleague from hell from another division is standing outside the door and gesturing she wants a word with the Head of Department (HOD).

She opens the meeting room door uninvited and pops her head in. Wanker then proceeded to shine forth her best smile as she knows HOD likes her. Important note : HOD is also a woman but that's another story.

Wanker : Hi HOD, can I have a word with you?

HOD : (Trying to look fierce and irritated) Yes, but we're having a meeting right now.

Wanker : (not defeated so easily) Then can I meet you after the meeting?

HOD : I have another meeting after this.

Wanker : Then can I meet you after your next meeting is over?

HOD : I dunno what time my meeting is going end.

Wanker : Nevermind, I wait for you. Please call me when the meeting is over?

HOD : (is actually annoyed at this point) If I remember...

Wanker : Nevermind, I will call you then.

Wanker hesitated a moment but leaves the room anyway. Everyone was still quiet as we watch her go and HOD commented at how rude she was to interrupt our meeting.

Now the person from both examples is the same person actually. There were more but I just give the more recent examples. I cringe at the sight of her. I actually feel my blood pressure rising the moment I hear her voice. She is someone who calls you and asks “Have you read my email?” when she had just sent them out a nanosecond ago and gives you 20 missed calls if you don’t pick up her calls because either you are in a meeting or at home sick or God forbid dead. She would actually tailed you around if she gets the brushed off.

I don’t get it. Why does someone behaves this way? Doesn’t she know common courtesy? I get it that she wants to get things done but going around pissing everyone off is surely not the way to work in the long run. Jeopardizing her relationships with her colleagues will only slow her down as no one wants to support a nightmare case like her. I say all the nagging mothers, whiny children, pesky salespersons and insurance agents combine still lose out to her. Bravo, psycho!